I Know I’m Living

Well to say the least, the past three days have been so shitty.  I left my house and didn’t come home for two days and I did some thinking and a whole lot of crying.  And as depressing as it was, and as I still am..I came to a few conclusions.

  1. I want to surround myself with people who have the same goals and ambition as me.  And if that means I am going to lose friends along the way, even best friends, then it’s okay.  People grow and change and thats part of life.
  2. You will come to find out that there will be a lot of times when you feel alone.
  3. Being alone is okay and it’s something I need to learn to embrace and love, because the only person you are guaranteed to have your whole life is yourself.
  4. This one is super important to me… I need to know and voice what I want.  Now this applies to almost everything in life, but the area of my life I’m applying it to now is boys.  I don’t want to be another hook up, or another girl for a guy to get it in with.  I want more. I want feelings and emotions.  I want to be held at night.  I want to be listened to when I share good, bad, and sad things.  I want someone to support me on my decisions and accomplishments.  And so yeah, if that means I want a boyfriend, then I guess yeah, I want a boyfriend.  Someone to be there for me in more ways a friend and a hook up can.

As I write this, I’m alone and in and out of tears flowing down my face.  But another thing I’m trying to teach myself is that it’s okay to cry.  Let it out! Let the tears flow, at least I know I’m human.  And it’s okay to tell that guy how I feel and what I want, at least I’m living.  So from now on, I think my new motto is going to be “At least I’m living.” Because I am.  I am feeling, hurting, enjoying, learning, helping, encouraging, and so many other things.  Not all of it’s positive and not all of it’s negative, and that’s how I know: I’m living.

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Friendships, Lies, and Confusing Guys…

Wow, to say the least, the past two days have been FUCKING CRAZY.  So my friend. Friend? Yeah, I guess I’ll still call her my friend… Well she’s actually my roommate also, so you’re about to see how awful my situation is.  Saturday night, she tells me she’s going to work, but she actually went and fucked this guy.  Which is no big deal, that lie couldn’t hurt anyone… except the guy she fucked is her childhood best friend’s first everything.  So, what?  Am I supposed to support this and tell her its okay? Because it’s a really shitty thing and it breaks girl code in every way!

So, obviously this opens doors to more problems, and now its WWIII in my household.  Why? Because although this decision she made doesn’t seem like the worst, its just annoying.  She keeps complaining about how her life is falling apart because of sex and boys and like well HELLO!!! Your decisions are not stellar.  But then it turned into more than just hooking up with boys.  It turned into a “well you do this and that now.”

(Some background, I used to be a big smoker and I quit a little over a month ago, but she still smokes.  Since I’ve quite smoking I’ve just been doing things to better me.  Not to mention school is getting hard and my job is really taking me places.  So there’s just bigger, more important things happening in my life right now that drugs are impairing me from.)

So now I’m not the person she wants me to be. But umm, that’s not up to her! I’m trying to help myself be more successful and healthier.  And I’m sorry but NOBODY’S opinion matters in that case.  And through out this monthly period, I put a halt on a lot of things.  I stopped having sex for a few months, which kind of influenced my decision to stop smoking, and I also started working out more and just overall trying to become a better me.  And now here I am, the bad guy… Not to mention I own the house that we are both living in, but just another catch 22, she lives in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen.  So me, in my own house, has to hide in my own bedroom to avoid her.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HUNGRY I AM RIGHT NOW?!  Besides the point…we are just drifting apart.  And yes it might be hard for her, but it’s good for me.  We have different goals and ambitions, sorry?

But on another note, boys… LOL. Why do I event try… I invited the guy I’ve been hooking up with to come over yesterday and go rejected.  Not for a bad reason, but rejection is still rejection! And then I ignored him so yeah, I’m just not winning at all in friendships nor relationships.  Someone please poor me a cup of tea to calm me down because I am losing it!!!  But like I’m trying to stay calm and collected.  On the bright side work was great today!  I got promoted today (again after 3 weeks of getting my first raise).  So I have things to be thankful and grateful for.  It’s always important to count your blessings, because you definitely do have some!

As for right now, I’m gonna chow down on some chips and guac (if I can get downstairs) and Netflix and Chill all on my own.  Because that’s what confident, independent, successful woman do!

What do I do About Feelings?

Maybe we’ve all been there, or some of us wish we were getting the attention from a significant other.  Oh wait, can I even call him a significant other? No.  Yeah, so what to do about feelings… I just don’t know.  In the past, so many things have gone south, but now here’s this guy.  This genuine guy by the way he talks, looks, and communicates.  He’s not your typical 2017 hook up that only communicates through snapchats or send nudes.  No.  He has an iPhone 4 and texts me when he has questions.  He calls me a woman and, oh yeah, he’s also four years older than me.

So what’s the problem you wonder, well um, yeah I just don’t know.  Boys are still boys. They want sex and that’s about it.  Feelings are overrated and turn most people off.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to tell him I like him and be able to just be open about it, but I seriously don’t want to ruin what is so good.  But having sex every other day and trying new things every single time we get together, it gets hard for a human being, also a girl, to not catch feelings for someone so stellar.

So what do I do?  Do I tell him?  Do I ignore it or push through?  I just don’t know… I wonder if I’m even the only girl he’s hooking up with because, like I said, boys are still boys.  And I’m just another girl.  The sex might be great and he might be all about it, but BOYS ARE STILL BOYS.  They love to tell a girl what they want to hear.  And obviously you can tell I have serious trust issues, or else I would just trust that everything is going to be okay and that he likes me.  But nothing ever works out for me.  So I’m starting this blog, to write it out and figure it out as I go.  I’ll just sip some coffee and live on.