I Know I’m Living

Well to say the least, the past three days have been so shitty.  I left my house and didn’t come home for two days and I did some thinking and a whole lot of crying.  And as depressing as it was, and as I still am..I came to a few conclusions.

  1. I want to surround myself with people who have the same goals and ambition as me.  And if that means I am going to lose friends along the way, even best friends, then it’s okay.  People grow and change and thats part of life.
  2. You will come to find out that there will be a lot of times when you feel alone.
  3. Being alone is okay and it’s something I need to learn to embrace and love, because the only person you are guaranteed to have your whole life is yourself.
  4. This one is super important to me… I need to know and voice what I want.  Now this applies to almost everything in life, but the area of my life I’m applying it to now is boys.  I don’t want to be another hook up, or another girl for a guy to get it in with.  I want more. I want feelings and emotions.  I want to be held at night.  I want to be listened to when I share good, bad, and sad things.  I want someone to support me on my decisions and accomplishments.  And so yeah, if that means I want a boyfriend, then I guess yeah, I want a boyfriend.  Someone to be there for me in more ways a friend and a hook up can.

As I write this, I’m alone and in and out of tears flowing down my face.  But another thing I’m trying to teach myself is that it’s okay to cry.  Let it out! Let the tears flow, at least I know I’m human.  And it’s okay to tell that guy how I feel and what I want, at least I’m living.  So from now on, I think my new motto is going to be “At least I’m living.” Because I am.  I am feeling, hurting, enjoying, learning, helping, encouraging, and so many other things.  Not all of it’s positive and not all of it’s negative, and that’s how I know: I’m living.

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