She Wins

Yes, you win bitch. And if you ever read this blog I hope you feel proud or whatever it is you want to feel for making everyone hate me and be against me. You win. You won all of “our” friends. You won the freedom. You won the pitty. You won it all. So have fun. Have fun getting high and hating me. Go and have fun with out me and make sure that I’m excluded from everyone’s life. You win and this is what you wanted right?

I did choose this. I did choose to go separate ways, but why does that have to also mean everyone that was friends with both of us all picking a side? I told everyone that a side doesn’t need to be chosen, but for some reason they all turned against me anyway. So yeah, I’m just a little frustrated right now. Because it doesn’t have to be this way.

YOU FUCKING WIN.

Oh Just Things…

Yesterday was a hard one indeed. My used to be best friend as of a week ago turned 21 yesterday.  Among all this crap going on with my roommate. my best friend decided that I’m a bitch and will be friends with my roommate from here on out and I will no longer be a part of his life.  So yesterday as he turned 21 I got to sit in my room while everyone was out partying.  Don’t get me wrong I definitely could’ve found someone to hang out with last night but I didn’t.  That doesn’t take a way the fact that it hurt. It hurt a lot seeing everyone have a good time, knowing that I should’ve been there too.  It sucks that someone who used to be my person just let me go so easily because of something that doesn’t even involve him.

It’s just things like that that make me want to cry and run.  Run to a place that I can be me and have friends all around me.  I want to go home and be in my comfort zone with a city in my back yard and parents and a brother and sister who support me and our on my side.  I want to be away from all of this crap.  But at the same time, it’s not all shitty.  I have some good people around me, and I’m making new friends all the time.  I guess I can’t complain about that..

I love my job and I’m always looking forward to going to work.  I guess it would be really shitty if I hated being home and hated being at work too.  I have good people in my life that are showing themselves more and more.  It’s not all bad just like how it’s not always going to be good.  This is life, and like I said in a blog post before, if I’m feeling, I know that I’m living. So thank God I’m living, because it would suck to go through life and feel like I haven’t lived at all… So I’m going to tell myself that it’s okay to cry and feel pain, I’m living and I can’t really complain about that, now can I?

Loving Yourself

I think it’s safe to safe that I have been working on a lot of self improvement. Along this journey there has been a lot of down falls where I just wonder if I’m every going to be happy. And there’s other days (like today) where I’m am so happy and I just feel good. So I’ve come to the conclusion that this is life, duh.. Life isn’t perfect and you’re not supposed to have one good day after the other.  There is always going to be bad days here and there. And if there’s a lot of bad days, that’s okay, it’s important to know that you will make it out of the dark.

Mr. Firefighter… he makes me happy. My bff from back home… she makes me happy. My becoming bff where I currently live… she makes me happy.  My new friends… they make me happy.  My bunny… he makes me happy.  My job… that makes me happy. My colleagues… they make me happy.  A nice cup of coffee in the morning… that makes me happy.  Instead of constantly looking at the things making me unhappy, it’s so much better to look at the things/people that do make me happy.

Yeah sometimes there’s going to be periods of times where there seems like there’s more bad than good, but it’s okay.  Even if you feel lonely as fuck and you just cry for a couple hours (like I did the other night) because you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom again. IT’S OKAY! It’s okay to feel like life is shit and it needs to get better because that’s what makes you push to do and be better.

I’m working so hard on loving myself.  I try and tell myself everyday that I am doing awesome and that I will be awesome in the future. Loving yourself is so important, yet it’s something that we forget so often about.  I mean right now, I love myself, but I would say I maybe I don’t love my body image..but that’s okay. I’m a work in progress and I’m always going to be. That is part of life and loving yourself.  If I can do it, you can do it, we all can do it.