Chapters

So, last time I wrote I was currently shattered, and I am still currently shattered which is why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. In the past month I feel like nothing has changed. I’m still crying every day, I’m still going out and partying, and still finding no new lovers.  However, I am in the process of writing a book. A poetry book. I know these days it seems so cliche, but I think that this could actually go somewhere.

My best friend and I are doing it together and eventually will share with the world the struggle of being 20. It’s been my source of escape: writing words down and somehow trying to express how I feel on paper. My end goal is for Josh (Mr. Firefighter, yes we’ll call him by his first name now…) to read them. They’re mostly about him and I’ll never have the guts to directly send him these poems/letters/messages so I will publish them for the world to see and for him to one day understand how truly heart broken I am.

I will be posting more, because I’m starting (very slowly) to get my feet back on the ground and accept life’s beautiful tragedies, even if it means eating cookie dough at 2 am while tears fall down my face. I’m learning and growing and it wouldn’t be fair to live a life with heartbreak.

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Embarrassing Me

I’m embarrassed to even write this on my own blog, but I have to in order to stay true to myself.  So Mr. Firefighter ended everything 4 days after making it official because he realized that relationships really just aren’t for him. We are trying to make it work, but I am taking the initiative in ending it myself. I just can’t keep going through the pain of him doing this to me. I am losing my self worth and just letting him walk all over me, and I told myself I would never be that girl.  So I am doing that…

On the other hand, life fucking sucks! I cry every day… I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone. There’s just no one around to be here for me. I have no friends and I’m just really struggling. I’ve never been more depressed and sad in my whole life. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends but it seems impossible. I never knew that I would be in this situation. I would never take my own life, but I feel like when people do, they feel the way I feel. Like life isn’t worth living because nobody notices you anyways.

I’m usually a bubbly person, so nobody takes me seriously when I say that I’m alone and sad. They laugh because they don’t believe that a girl like me could be in that state. But I’m just trying to get someone to understand and reach out. I just need a friend. Any friend at all….

He Took a Chance

I feel like from the beginning of this blog, I’ve documented my journey from start to current of me and Mr. Firefighter. All the ups and downs I’ve experience talking to him and everything. Well, last blog I really just let it out and proclaimed how he should take a chance on me because I would be there and love him. Well, he did.

In fact he initiated it all and I’m just struck by this amazing overwhelming feeling. I mean there are still things we are working on, but like he’s mine. He’s all mine and I couldn’t be happier. He is better than he was before and treats me like his girl friend.

So yeah, this is a short post, but just wanted to say Mr. Firefighter took a chance on me.

A Message to Mr. Firefighter

Dear Mr. Firefighter,

I don’t know where we’re at or where we’re going to be but I have some things to share. The night you walked me home, I had no intentions of doing anything with you. I was drunk and scared and you respected that as you slowly strolled by my side at 1 am. I had many guys trying to take me home, but for some reason I wanted to walk home a lone and you happened to accompany me. The first thing you ever told me was “Rule number 1: don’t ever announce that you stole something until your out of the persons house you stole it from.” And when we got in front of my door and I was going to walk in, I noticed you paused and you didn’t know what to do, and I was too drunk to notice that you wanted to kiss me. So you respected my limit and hugged me good night and walked away.

An exact week later I found myself drunk on the dance floor of the only night club in this little town when I stumbled upon you not being able to see or stand straight. You took me by the hand, grabbed me, and little did I know that was going to be the beginning of this adventure. We danced all night, the whole night was in our hands and it was like time was at a stand still. I was so happy with you and everything going on. I took you home that night and we never hooked up. Once again, you respected my limit knowing that I was way too drunk to do anything sexual.  I took you home the next morning without exchanging phone numbers or anything.

And so the story goes on and we started hooking up and talking more and I waited for you every 2-3 weeks when you were out on fires. I loved out late night texts about all the sexual things you were going to do to me. I loved when I was going through a hard time with my friends that you listened and gave me advice. I loved when you asked me out on our first date to go see a movie and I could tell that you were too nervous to make a move on me outside of the bedroom.

And when we went to the air show together and spent the whole entire day talking and looking at the airplanes, I was content with your presence. When it was finally time to go home and you looked at me and said, I’ll come over tonight wand we’ll cook dinner, my heart skipped a beat because finally, a guy was taking his time to get to know me and spend time with me. My birthday came and you had to go, but when you came out you took me to dinner. The nicest dinner a guy has ever taken me to and I just couldn’t believe how far we’d come.

But now I’m sitting here and although we’ve come far, I feel like we are so distant. Something happened along the way. Something changed, you started out wanting me and now you don’t so much, and it hurts. I feel like its over before it’s even started. I cry often now and only because of the “what if’s” but please Mr. Firefighter you have to understand. I know you don’t do relationships and it’s not your thing and it hasn’t been for over 5 years. But believe me when I say I have so much love that I can share with you. I have grown the past few months to feel for you a way I haven’t really felt for anybody. I think about you all the time. I think about what it could be like to be on a level with you where you can hold me tight and kiss me into the morning because you feel that way towards me.  I think about how it would be if you felt the same way about me as I do for you.

I want you to take a chance on me. I promise I won’t let you down. I really do. I will stand by you, and help you, be your biggest fan, tell you when you’re wrong, tell you when you’re right, have you back when no one else does. I want to be that person. So even though it’s not your thing, I just want you to take a chance on me, I promise I will never let you down because all I want is to be with you…

Disappointment

Everyone disappoints you. Literally everyone, even the guy that you are so sure won’t be like all the rest, and for months he isn’t, until now: A fucking disappointment. We talked about this very day for days now, WEEKS. You wanted me badly I thought, didn’t you? Weren’t your craving my skin and my sex? That’s what you said. You’ve been gone for like a month, we’ve been talking about this day for a long time! And conveniently this day is here and you are no where to be seen, heard of, or anything.

So, Mr. Firefighter, you’re losing your charm. You were perfect till this very moment of complete excommunication. If you are still out fighting fires, fucking send me a text that you won’t be back today. If you are running late on coming back from your tour, then fucking send me a text that you are getting back in a little later than expected. If something else came up, then fucking send me a text and tell me that. DON’T. LEAVE. ME. IN. THE. DARK!!!!

I was excited to see you. I even told you that last night and you replied with an “I am too!” So where the fuck are you now? I am irked inside. I had this talk with you about communication and how I deserve it. I had this talk with you about respect and how I demand it. Well Mr. Firefighter, you are really fucking up. And I only hope to receive a text later tonight with a great excuse. In fact, I hope that I look like a fool for writing this.

I hope I am over reacting right now, because it sure would be a shame to watch another guy go to waste, now wouldn’t it? Yes, I am infuriated, sad, hurt, and down right disrespected. It takes two fucking seconds to send a text explaining the change in your events, so where is my fucking text message? I definitely deserve at least that. So when you come back and expect me to be waiting around for you, I won’t be. I will be out doing my own thing with my own people doing what makes me happy!

What a DISAPPOINTMENT!

Love or Lust

We all know who this is about…Mr. Firefighter. I love to fuck him. I love it so much I think I’m in love with him? Yeah…love or lust is where this is headed.

He touches me so perfectly: gently, roughly, romantically, nicely, aggressively. Basically every way a girl would possibly like it. He holds me down and dominates me like I’ve never been dominated before. What gets me is how much he enjoys doing these things to me. He gets excited and you can see it in his eyes and here it in his voice. And when we have sex he shouts my name, loud and aggressively, softly and perfectly. He wraps his hand around my neck and pushes down and its amazing. He knows my body now, he knows what I like and what I don’t like. He pushes me to new extremes while I push him. We try new things all the time and talk about trying new things all the time.

But I like him more than that. Sometimes, I’ll get so excited when he texts me that I want to burst out in text and just say “I love you!” But is this love that I am feeling? I do want more than sex and I expressed that to him a couple months ago, and since then, he has taken me out on several dates. So he’s giving me what I want. He’s such a gentleman outside of the bedroom. He opens my doors, and I’m talking like car doors too… He lays with me and holds me, we talk, he goes places with me, he talks about me to his friends. I’m in love with what he does…so I just wonder, am I in love with him?

Sex is such a huge part of our relationship and I know it’s easy to confuse lust with love. But I feel this tremendous giddy feeling when that boy is in my presence and when he is gone. I’m not insecure about the relationship we have because he doesn’t give me a reason to be. I trust this guy, and I can honestly say that for me, that means a lot! So, what’s it going to be: do I love him or is this lust…

The Big 2 0 !

I turned 20! Yes, I did indeed and I woke up feeling empowering and different on that day. I asked myself: what am I going to do in the next 10 years? Followed by a “I am capable of doing anything I want!” And that was the first time that I truly felt like anything is possible and I am capable of just about anything. I don’t have any fears about becoming successful and accomplishing my dream. I know that I can do this, I know that I want to do this.

Since I turned 20 I’ve been feeling really inspirational and determined to achieve my goals and my dreams.  So I decided that I am going to make a list full of things that I want to do for fun, for me, and for my future. I’m going to have it and hold onto it and check the things off that I complete. My biggest thing that I want to achieve during my twenties is traveling. I want to go to many places and see all sorts of things! I want to live a life of learning and amazement without any regrets and sadness about not doing something.

But of course, a long with traveling, I want to become successful. I decided that in the next ten years I want to create something or invent something. Whether it be my own business or what, I just need to jump and get started. I know that I want to make an investment into property and make money off of that, so that’s one idea I have under my belt. I know that I can do great things, so I am going to enable myself to do them.

As for the present, I am happy.  I love the people around me and all my friends. I’m not unhappy or waiting for the day to be over. I am truly living life day by day and excepting everything and anything that is handed to me. I am very pleased and happy with where I am at, and I have no doubt that these next 10 years will hopefully be the best of my life.

She Wins

Yes, you win bitch. And if you ever read this blog I hope you feel proud or whatever it is you want to feel for making everyone hate me and be against me. You win. You won all of “our” friends. You won the freedom. You won the pitty. You won it all. So have fun. Have fun getting high and hating me. Go and have fun with out me and make sure that I’m excluded from everyone’s life. You win and this is what you wanted right?

I did choose this. I did choose to go separate ways, but why does that have to also mean everyone that was friends with both of us all picking a side? I told everyone that a side doesn’t need to be chosen, but for some reason they all turned against me anyway. So yeah, I’m just a little frustrated right now. Because it doesn’t have to be this way.

YOU FUCKING WIN.

Oh Just Things…

Yesterday was a hard one indeed. My used to be best friend as of a week ago turned 21 yesterday.  Among all this crap going on with my roommate. my best friend decided that I’m a bitch and will be friends with my roommate from here on out and I will no longer be a part of his life.  So yesterday as he turned 21 I got to sit in my room while everyone was out partying.  Don’t get me wrong I definitely could’ve found someone to hang out with last night but I didn’t.  That doesn’t take a way the fact that it hurt. It hurt a lot seeing everyone have a good time, knowing that I should’ve been there too.  It sucks that someone who used to be my person just let me go so easily because of something that doesn’t even involve him.

It’s just things like that that make me want to cry and run.  Run to a place that I can be me and have friends all around me.  I want to go home and be in my comfort zone with a city in my back yard and parents and a brother and sister who support me and our on my side.  I want to be away from all of this crap.  But at the same time, it’s not all shitty.  I have some good people around me, and I’m making new friends all the time.  I guess I can’t complain about that..

I love my job and I’m always looking forward to going to work.  I guess it would be really shitty if I hated being home and hated being at work too.  I have good people in my life that are showing themselves more and more.  It’s not all bad just like how it’s not always going to be good.  This is life, and like I said in a blog post before, if I’m feeling, I know that I’m living. So thank God I’m living, because it would suck to go through life and feel like I haven’t lived at all… So I’m going to tell myself that it’s okay to cry and feel pain, I’m living and I can’t really complain about that, now can I?

Loving Yourself

I think it’s safe to safe that I have been working on a lot of self improvement. Along this journey there has been a lot of down falls where I just wonder if I’m every going to be happy. And there’s other days (like today) where I’m am so happy and I just feel good. So I’ve come to the conclusion that this is life, duh.. Life isn’t perfect and you’re not supposed to have one good day after the other.  There is always going to be bad days here and there. And if there’s a lot of bad days, that’s okay, it’s important to know that you will make it out of the dark.

Mr. Firefighter… he makes me happy. My bff from back home… she makes me happy. My becoming bff where I currently live… she makes me happy.  My new friends… they make me happy.  My bunny… he makes me happy.  My job… that makes me happy. My colleagues… they make me happy.  A nice cup of coffee in the morning… that makes me happy.  Instead of constantly looking at the things making me unhappy, it’s so much better to look at the things/people that do make me happy.

Yeah sometimes there’s going to be periods of times where there seems like there’s more bad than good, but it’s okay.  Even if you feel lonely as fuck and you just cry for a couple hours (like I did the other night) because you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom again. IT’S OKAY! It’s okay to feel like life is shit and it needs to get better because that’s what makes you push to do and be better.

I’m working so hard on loving myself.  I try and tell myself everyday that I am doing awesome and that I will be awesome in the future. Loving yourself is so important, yet it’s something that we forget so often about.  I mean right now, I love myself, but I would say I maybe I don’t love my body image..but that’s okay. I’m a work in progress and I’m always going to be. That is part of life and loving yourself.  If I can do it, you can do it, we all can do it.