She Wins

Yes, you win bitch. And if you ever read this blog I hope you feel proud or whatever it is you want to feel for making everyone hate me and be against me. You win. You won all of “our” friends. You won the freedom. You won the pitty. You won it all. So have fun. Have fun getting high and hating me. Go and have fun with out me and make sure that I’m excluded from everyone’s life. You win and this is what you wanted right?

I did choose this. I did choose to go separate ways, but why does that have to also mean everyone that was friends with both of us all picking a side? I told everyone that a side doesn’t need to be chosen, but for some reason they all turned against me anyway. So yeah, I’m just a little frustrated right now. Because it doesn’t have to be this way.

YOU FUCKING WIN.

Oh Just Things…

Yesterday was a hard one indeed. My used to be best friend as of a week ago turned 21 yesterday.  Among all this crap going on with my roommate. my best friend decided that I’m a bitch and will be friends with my roommate from here on out and I will no longer be a part of his life.  So yesterday as he turned 21 I got to sit in my room while everyone was out partying.  Don’t get me wrong I definitely could’ve found someone to hang out with last night but I didn’t.  That doesn’t take a way the fact that it hurt. It hurt a lot seeing everyone have a good time, knowing that I should’ve been there too.  It sucks that someone who used to be my person just let me go so easily because of something that doesn’t even involve him.

It’s just things like that that make me want to cry and run.  Run to a place that I can be me and have friends all around me.  I want to go home and be in my comfort zone with a city in my back yard and parents and a brother and sister who support me and our on my side.  I want to be away from all of this crap.  But at the same time, it’s not all shitty.  I have some good people around me, and I’m making new friends all the time.  I guess I can’t complain about that..

I love my job and I’m always looking forward to going to work.  I guess it would be really shitty if I hated being home and hated being at work too.  I have good people in my life that are showing themselves more and more.  It’s not all bad just like how it’s not always going to be good.  This is life, and like I said in a blog post before, if I’m feeling, I know that I’m living. So thank God I’m living, because it would suck to go through life and feel like I haven’t lived at all… So I’m going to tell myself that it’s okay to cry and feel pain, I’m living and I can’t really complain about that, now can I?

Loving Yourself

I think it’s safe to safe that I have been working on a lot of self improvement. Along this journey there has been a lot of down falls where I just wonder if I’m every going to be happy. And there’s other days (like today) where I’m am so happy and I just feel good. So I’ve come to the conclusion that this is life, duh.. Life isn’t perfect and you’re not supposed to have one good day after the other.  There is always going to be bad days here and there. And if there’s a lot of bad days, that’s okay, it’s important to know that you will make it out of the dark.

Mr. Firefighter… he makes me happy. My bff from back home… she makes me happy. My becoming bff where I currently live… she makes me happy.  My new friends… they make me happy.  My bunny… he makes me happy.  My job… that makes me happy. My colleagues… they make me happy.  A nice cup of coffee in the morning… that makes me happy.  Instead of constantly looking at the things making me unhappy, it’s so much better to look at the things/people that do make me happy.

Yeah sometimes there’s going to be periods of times where there seems like there’s more bad than good, but it’s okay.  Even if you feel lonely as fuck and you just cry for a couple hours (like I did the other night) because you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom again. IT’S OKAY! It’s okay to feel like life is shit and it needs to get better because that’s what makes you push to do and be better.

I’m working so hard on loving myself.  I try and tell myself everyday that I am doing awesome and that I will be awesome in the future. Loving yourself is so important, yet it’s something that we forget so often about.  I mean right now, I love myself, but I would say I maybe I don’t love my body image..but that’s okay. I’m a work in progress and I’m always going to be. That is part of life and loving yourself.  If I can do it, you can do it, we all can do it.

The Taking Off Stage

So I use this term “taking off stage” for just about every relationship that I get into. The metaphor I use is like a plane taking off.  When you first start talking it’s like getting onto the plane and buckling in while making small talk with the person you’re sitting next to. Then when things get going and you decide that you want to further things it’s like the plane taking off.  It’s a little shaky at first trying to figure things out so I call it the “taking off stage” cause hopefully we can get off the ground and be high off life together.

For the past year, not a single person I’ve talked to has made it past the “taking off stage” until now.  Mr. Firefighter is stealing my heart with every thing that he does.  I mean like he is checking all my boxes and I can’t be happier.  And sadly, I am falling so hard.  I’m still focusing on me and doing the things that I need to do to make myself happy, but I am really falling for this boy.

The simple thought of him just lights me up with a smile and then I just continue to think of what he does with me (in more ways than one) and I just lose it. However, I know that my feelings are developing more, but I am not going to take action because I know that this is fast so I will continue this relationship but keep my deep feelings aside. I know that he likes me but I also know that he is hesitant. So when the time comes I know that I will probably need to take the lead, but it’s going to be good.

I’m trusting, learning, happy, and, well taking off!

Learning to Trust

I am not one to trust anybody.  My parents are the only ones I can truly trust, but even then I get nervous when I tell them what to order in my burrito… So this boy. Mr. Firefighter, gentleman, genuinely nice guy.  He is honestly teaching me how to trust again.  At least for right now.  I truly believe that I can have faith that what he says is true and how he feels is honest.  And I also truly believe that if, with time, his feelings falter and he learns that he doesn’t like me that much anymore, that he will be honest.

He communicates, I mean, when he’s around me. (He absolutely sucks at texting…) When he’s with me he shows affection, and with all of this I’m learning to trust.  I’m learning to trust that everything is okay because there’s no reason to think that it isn’t.  I’m trusting that if he actually didn’t like me and didn’t want to be around me that he would tell me, instead of lead me on.  I’m trusting that there isn’t another girl like he told me before.

Now with all this trust that I’m building, I’m also building such a risk.  Cause what if he actually isn’t being honest.  And the jokes on me, because that’s where I have to learn how to trust. So I’m happy and learning, going with the flow of things, and trusting…

Content-ness

I am so content. I have moments through out the day where I get some anxiety, but I am content! I’ve been trying really hard to look at the big picture and focus on myself and I am doing so well.  I have been given this time to focus on me and better myself and I really truly believe that I am accomplishing it.

The boy I’m talking to is still gone fighting fires and I can honestly say that I haven’t had anxiety over it or sadness. This is a huge thing for me!  I usually go crazy and cry, but I’ve just been going through out my days and enjoying the time I’ve been given for myself.

Things with my roommate have not gotten better, but I don’t plan on them improving. And some people might think I am a bitch but I am just trying to find my way.  I say this in every post, but I can honestly notice my own improvement.  I don’t dread waking up in the morning anymore to figure out what to do with my day.  I am content and excited for each day that I live and I’m trying to make the most of them.

Yesterday I went on this magnificent hike and I really got to enjoy nature and look at all the beauty that this world holds.  It is absolutely spectacular watching nature in front of you.  It’s a beautiful world we are living in, we can’t let people overwhelm the simplicity in the opportunity to do our own thing.  Just keep going and keep your head up because there are so many things we can find to make our eyes open wide with happiness.

Bullshit Talks & Long Walks

LOL let’s just get a good laugh in now because all my attempts to be nice have completely been thrown back into my face.  So I approached my roommate yesterday. I did it. I can’t believe I did it, but I did. I stopped what I was doing and whole heartedly apologized. I didn’t necessarily want to apologize but I felt like an apology is what I needed to do in order to start to move on. So as I sincerely apologize for not talking to her the past few weeks because I’m trying to work on me she says, “ok whatever.” And that was that. Moral of this little story is DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR SHIT YOU DON’T WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR!

I can’t even believe she blew me off like that, like I have been making an effort and I can’t keep trying to fix something I don’t even want to fix for the sake of her! So I’m moving on and let me tell you, it is quite liberating.  It’s liberating to accept that I want this and need this and its okay.  It’s okay to want something different and to want to be and do something more than what I am currently doing right now.  Once again that’s just part of growing up!

So I went on a really long hike today with my really close guy friend, I’ll give him a fake name and call him Scott. So Scott and I are like best friends, at least we used to be exceptionally close until this inconvenience with my roommate occurred and he’s chosen to just hang out with her, but today we hiked. We hiked a huge mountain and sat at the top and talked for an hour.  And low-key it was such a bullshit conversation.  I say this and you probably think I am just a bitch and hate everyone. But honestly truly, he was fishing for gossip just so he can go back and tell my roommate and he couldn’t have made it anymore obvious.  So this hike that was supposed to be nice to catch up on ended up just being a bullshit talk…

But, I am happy! I truly am accepting that I need and want change and I feel like that’s the first step to a better and healthier lifestyle.  I am taking baby steps and it might take me a long time till I can say that I love the people around me again, but I will get there eventually.  A few close friends is all you need, and I have a few.  They might not be in my home or in my city, but they are close to me in my heart and always answer the phone when I call. I just gotta keep sipping my coffee.

Friends, Fires, and Fights

Well, I just don’t know where to begin.  I took a leap of faith and I told that boy I like him!  I laid it out on the table and he took it.  So things are great, or were? I don’t know.  Just as things were getting great, he left to go fight fires, so um I’ll see him in like a month.. But I have to remind myself not to get sad or overwhelmed because I need to look at this like a little blessing. I’ve just been given a good amount of time to focus more on me and bettering myself.  Whether that’s working out more and eating more healthy, (which I’m really trying to start to do), or even finding some time to connect with God again.  I don’t know what this time for me will entail, but I know I have it, so I need to take advantage.

I’m still not talking to my roommate, and it’s slowly just eating away at me.  I know that I am entitled to do what I want but every time I decide it’s time to talk, I find more information out about her lying to me or other random shit and it makes me mad all over again.  Like why?!  So at this point, I’m just mad, but I have decided that I am going to talk it out soon.  And this won’t be a talk to mend a relationship, it will be a talk to help both of us move on, or at least for me it will.

My biggest concern is that a talk like this will cause a huge catastrophic fight, and I just can’t deal with any more of it. Also another reason why I just haven’t talked to her.  But I guess, in order to learn and grow, uncomfortable situations occur.

So as I write this and get crazy in my head, I realize that this is an obstacle I have to face. I just have to.  I have to do this in order to be wiser, stronger, and to become more mature. I guess the only person I can blame is myself for growing up faster than those around me.  Will I regret it in the end? I don’t think so.

So to put a wrap on this.  The boy situation is going to be okay, and if not, then that just means I have more growing to do.  The fire will eventually be put out and he’ll come home and I’ll be here as a better and more confident me for him to hopefully fall in love with (me being a hopeless romantic). My friends? Well like they always say, they come and go, and so this friend might go, but once again, it’s a growing time for me.  And fights, they’re gonna happen, and I need to accept that. I’ll keep you updated with how that talk goes…

A Leap of Faith

So I did it.  I took a jump and I told that boy how I felt.  And oh how relieved I feel. I told hime what I wanted and he wanted it too!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!  It only takes some communication and little bit of grit.

I mean, it’s not as perfect as it sounds but it’s a work in progress.  And that’s all I need.  I can figure the rest out from here.  But it’s important to remind myself that I’m happy with you I am and what I am doing now.  Just because a boy is in my life now, doesn’t mean that’s where my happiness come from.  It’s something that I always struggle with so as I take this leap of faith, I need to tell myself that I am great just as I am alone.

I can’t forget that.  But as of now, I’m riding the leap and doing my thang.  Going with the flow of things, and if it works out, it works out.  If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.  In the end I will still be okay.  I just need to be happy with me, and the rest will figure itself out.

I Know I’m Living

Well to say the least, the past three days have been so shitty.  I left my house and didn’t come home for two days and I did some thinking and a whole lot of crying.  And as depressing as it was, and as I still am..I came to a few conclusions.

  1. I want to surround myself with people who have the same goals and ambition as me.  And if that means I am going to lose friends along the way, even best friends, then it’s okay.  People grow and change and thats part of life.
  2. You will come to find out that there will be a lot of times when you feel alone.
  3. Being alone is okay and it’s something I need to learn to embrace and love, because the only person you are guaranteed to have your whole life is yourself.
  4. This one is super important to me… I need to know and voice what I want.  Now this applies to almost everything in life, but the area of my life I’m applying it to now is boys.  I don’t want to be another hook up, or another girl for a guy to get it in with.  I want more. I want feelings and emotions.  I want to be held at night.  I want to be listened to when I share good, bad, and sad things.  I want someone to support me on my decisions and accomplishments.  And so yeah, if that means I want a boyfriend, then I guess yeah, I want a boyfriend.  Someone to be there for me in more ways a friend and a hook up can.

As I write this, I’m alone and in and out of tears flowing down my face.  But another thing I’m trying to teach myself is that it’s okay to cry.  Let it out! Let the tears flow, at least I know I’m human.  And it’s okay to tell that guy how I feel and what I want, at least I’m living.  So from now on, I think my new motto is going to be “At least I’m living.” Because I am.  I am feeling, hurting, enjoying, learning, helping, encouraging, and so many other things.  Not all of it’s positive and not all of it’s negative, and that’s how I know: I’m living.