The Taking Off Stage

So I use this term “taking off stage” for just about every relationship that I get into. The metaphor I use is like a plane taking off.  When you first start talking it’s like getting onto the plane and buckling in while making small talk with the person you’re sitting next to. Then when things get going and you decide that you want to further things it’s like the plane taking off.  It’s a little shaky at first trying to figure things out so I call it the “taking off stage” cause hopefully we can get off the ground and be high off life together.

For the past year, not a single person I’ve talked to has made it past the “taking off stage” until now.  Mr. Firefighter is stealing my heart with every thing that he does.  I mean like he is checking all my boxes and I can’t be happier.  And sadly, I am falling so hard.  I’m still focusing on me and doing the things that I need to do to make myself happy, but I am really falling for this boy.

The simple thought of him just lights me up with a smile and then I just continue to think of what he does with me (in more ways than one) and I just lose it. However, I know that my feelings are developing more, but I am not going to take action because I know that this is fast so I will continue this relationship but keep my deep feelings aside. I know that he likes me but I also know that he is hesitant. So when the time comes I know that I will probably need to take the lead, but it’s going to be good.

I’m trusting, learning, happy, and, well taking off!

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Learning to Trust

I am not one to trust anybody.  My parents are the only ones I can truly trust, but even then I get nervous when I tell them what to order in my burrito… So this boy. Mr. Firefighter, gentleman, genuinely nice guy.  He is honestly teaching me how to trust again.  At least for right now.  I truly believe that I can have faith that what he says is true and how he feels is honest.  And I also truly believe that if, with time, his feelings falter and he learns that he doesn’t like me that much anymore, that he will be honest.

He communicates, I mean, when he’s around me. (He absolutely sucks at texting…) When he’s with me he shows affection, and with all of this I’m learning to trust.  I’m learning to trust that everything is okay because there’s no reason to think that it isn’t.  I’m trusting that if he actually didn’t like me and didn’t want to be around me that he would tell me, instead of lead me on.  I’m trusting that there isn’t another girl like he told me before.

Now with all this trust that I’m building, I’m also building such a risk.  Cause what if he actually isn’t being honest.  And the jokes on me, because that’s where I have to learn how to trust. So I’m happy and learning, going with the flow of things, and trusting…

Content-ness

I am so content. I have moments through out the day where I get some anxiety, but I am content! I’ve been trying really hard to look at the big picture and focus on myself and I am doing so well.  I have been given this time to focus on me and better myself and I really truly believe that I am accomplishing it.

The boy I’m talking to is still gone fighting fires and I can honestly say that I haven’t had anxiety over it or sadness. This is a huge thing for me!  I usually go crazy and cry, but I’ve just been going through out my days and enjoying the time I’ve been given for myself.

Things with my roommate have not gotten better, but I don’t plan on them improving. And some people might think I am a bitch but I am just trying to find my way.  I say this in every post, but I can honestly notice my own improvement.  I don’t dread waking up in the morning anymore to figure out what to do with my day.  I am content and excited for each day that I live and I’m trying to make the most of them.

Yesterday I went on this magnificent hike and I really got to enjoy nature and look at all the beauty that this world holds.  It is absolutely spectacular watching nature in front of you.  It’s a beautiful world we are living in, we can’t let people overwhelm the simplicity in the opportunity to do our own thing.  Just keep going and keep your head up because there are so many things we can find to make our eyes open wide with happiness.

Bullshit Talks & Long Walks

LOL let’s just get a good laugh in now because all my attempts to be nice have completely been thrown back into my face.  So I approached my roommate yesterday. I did it. I can’t believe I did it, but I did. I stopped what I was doing and whole heartedly apologized. I didn’t necessarily want to apologize but I felt like an apology is what I needed to do in order to start to move on. So as I sincerely apologize for not talking to her the past few weeks because I’m trying to work on me she says, “ok whatever.” And that was that. Moral of this little story is DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR SHIT YOU DON’T WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR!

I can’t even believe she blew me off like that, like I have been making an effort and I can’t keep trying to fix something I don’t even want to fix for the sake of her! So I’m moving on and let me tell you, it is quite liberating.  It’s liberating to accept that I want this and need this and its okay.  It’s okay to want something different and to want to be and do something more than what I am currently doing right now.  Once again that’s just part of growing up!

So I went on a really long hike today with my really close guy friend, I’ll give him a fake name and call him Scott. So Scott and I are like best friends, at least we used to be exceptionally close until this inconvenience with my roommate occurred and he’s chosen to just hang out with her, but today we hiked. We hiked a huge mountain and sat at the top and talked for an hour.  And low-key it was such a bullshit conversation.  I say this and you probably think I am just a bitch and hate everyone. But honestly truly, he was fishing for gossip just so he can go back and tell my roommate and he couldn’t have made it anymore obvious.  So this hike that was supposed to be nice to catch up on ended up just being a bullshit talk…

But, I am happy! I truly am accepting that I need and want change and I feel like that’s the first step to a better and healthier lifestyle.  I am taking baby steps and it might take me a long time till I can say that I love the people around me again, but I will get there eventually.  A few close friends is all you need, and I have a few.  They might not be in my home or in my city, but they are close to me in my heart and always answer the phone when I call. I just gotta keep sipping my coffee.

Friends, Fires, and Fights

Well, I just don’t know where to begin.  I took a leap of faith and I told that boy I like him!  I laid it out on the table and he took it.  So things are great, or were? I don’t know.  Just as things were getting great, he left to go fight fires, so um I’ll see him in like a month.. But I have to remind myself not to get sad or overwhelmed because I need to look at this like a little blessing. I’ve just been given a good amount of time to focus more on me and bettering myself.  Whether that’s working out more and eating more healthy, (which I’m really trying to start to do), or even finding some time to connect with God again.  I don’t know what this time for me will entail, but I know I have it, so I need to take advantage.

I’m still not talking to my roommate, and it’s slowly just eating away at me.  I know that I am entitled to do what I want but every time I decide it’s time to talk, I find more information out about her lying to me or other random shit and it makes me mad all over again.  Like why?!  So at this point, I’m just mad, but I have decided that I am going to talk it out soon.  And this won’t be a talk to mend a relationship, it will be a talk to help both of us move on, or at least for me it will.

My biggest concern is that a talk like this will cause a huge catastrophic fight, and I just can’t deal with any more of it. Also another reason why I just haven’t talked to her.  But I guess, in order to learn and grow, uncomfortable situations occur.

So as I write this and get crazy in my head, I realize that this is an obstacle I have to face. I just have to.  I have to do this in order to be wiser, stronger, and to become more mature. I guess the only person I can blame is myself for growing up faster than those around me.  Will I regret it in the end? I don’t think so.

So to put a wrap on this.  The boy situation is going to be okay, and if not, then that just means I have more growing to do.  The fire will eventually be put out and he’ll come home and I’ll be here as a better and more confident me for him to hopefully fall in love with (me being a hopeless romantic). My friends? Well like they always say, they come and go, and so this friend might go, but once again, it’s a growing time for me.  And fights, they’re gonna happen, and I need to accept that. I’ll keep you updated with how that talk goes…

A Leap of Faith

So I did it.  I took a jump and I told that boy how I felt.  And oh how relieved I feel. I told hime what I wanted and he wanted it too!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!  It only takes some communication and little bit of grit.

I mean, it’s not as perfect as it sounds but it’s a work in progress.  And that’s all I need.  I can figure the rest out from here.  But it’s important to remind myself that I’m happy with you I am and what I am doing now.  Just because a boy is in my life now, doesn’t mean that’s where my happiness come from.  It’s something that I always struggle with so as I take this leap of faith, I need to tell myself that I am great just as I am alone.

I can’t forget that.  But as of now, I’m riding the leap and doing my thang.  Going with the flow of things, and if it works out, it works out.  If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.  In the end I will still be okay.  I just need to be happy with me, and the rest will figure itself out.

I Know I’m Living

Well to say the least, the past three days have been so shitty.  I left my house and didn’t come home for two days and I did some thinking and a whole lot of crying.  And as depressing as it was, and as I still am..I came to a few conclusions.

  1. I want to surround myself with people who have the same goals and ambition as me.  And if that means I am going to lose friends along the way, even best friends, then it’s okay.  People grow and change and thats part of life.
  2. You will come to find out that there will be a lot of times when you feel alone.
  3. Being alone is okay and it’s something I need to learn to embrace and love, because the only person you are guaranteed to have your whole life is yourself.
  4. This one is super important to me… I need to know and voice what I want.  Now this applies to almost everything in life, but the area of my life I’m applying it to now is boys.  I don’t want to be another hook up, or another girl for a guy to get it in with.  I want more. I want feelings and emotions.  I want to be held at night.  I want to be listened to when I share good, bad, and sad things.  I want someone to support me on my decisions and accomplishments.  And so yeah, if that means I want a boyfriend, then I guess yeah, I want a boyfriend.  Someone to be there for me in more ways a friend and a hook up can.

As I write this, I’m alone and in and out of tears flowing down my face.  But another thing I’m trying to teach myself is that it’s okay to cry.  Let it out! Let the tears flow, at least I know I’m human.  And it’s okay to tell that guy how I feel and what I want, at least I’m living.  So from now on, I think my new motto is going to be “At least I’m living.” Because I am.  I am feeling, hurting, enjoying, learning, helping, encouraging, and so many other things.  Not all of it’s positive and not all of it’s negative, and that’s how I know: I’m living.

Friendships, Lies, and Confusing Guys…

Wow, to say the least, the past two days have been FUCKING CRAZY.  So my friend. Friend? Yeah, I guess I’ll still call her my friend… Well she’s actually my roommate also, so you’re about to see how awful my situation is.  Saturday night, she tells me she’s going to work, but she actually went and fucked this guy.  Which is no big deal, that lie couldn’t hurt anyone… except the guy she fucked is her childhood best friend’s first everything.  So, what?  Am I supposed to support this and tell her its okay? Because it’s a really shitty thing and it breaks girl code in every way!

So, obviously this opens doors to more problems, and now its WWIII in my household.  Why? Because although this decision she made doesn’t seem like the worst, its just annoying.  She keeps complaining about how her life is falling apart because of sex and boys and like well HELLO!!! Your decisions are not stellar.  But then it turned into more than just hooking up with boys.  It turned into a “well you do this and that now.”

(Some background, I used to be a big smoker and I quit a little over a month ago, but she still smokes.  Since I’ve quite smoking I’ve just been doing things to better me.  Not to mention school is getting hard and my job is really taking me places.  So there’s just bigger, more important things happening in my life right now that drugs are impairing me from.)

So now I’m not the person she wants me to be. But umm, that’s not up to her! I’m trying to help myself be more successful and healthier.  And I’m sorry but NOBODY’S opinion matters in that case.  And through out this monthly period, I put a halt on a lot of things.  I stopped having sex for a few months, which kind of influenced my decision to stop smoking, and I also started working out more and just overall trying to become a better me.  And now here I am, the bad guy… Not to mention I own the house that we are both living in, but just another catch 22, she lives in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen.  So me, in my own house, has to hide in my own bedroom to avoid her.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HUNGRY I AM RIGHT NOW?!  Besides the point…we are just drifting apart.  And yes it might be hard for her, but it’s good for me.  We have different goals and ambitions, sorry?

But on another note, boys… LOL. Why do I event try… I invited the guy I’ve been hooking up with to come over yesterday and go rejected.  Not for a bad reason, but rejection is still rejection! And then I ignored him so yeah, I’m just not winning at all in friendships nor relationships.  Someone please poor me a cup of tea to calm me down because I am losing it!!!  But like I’m trying to stay calm and collected.  On the bright side work was great today!  I got promoted today (again after 3 weeks of getting my first raise).  So I have things to be thankful and grateful for.  It’s always important to count your blessings, because you definitely do have some!

As for right now, I’m gonna chow down on some chips and guac (if I can get downstairs) and Netflix and Chill all on my own.  Because that’s what confident, independent, successful woman do!

What do I do About Feelings?

Maybe we’ve all been there, or some of us wish we were getting the attention from a significant other.  Oh wait, can I even call him a significant other? No.  Yeah, so what to do about feelings… I just don’t know.  In the past, so many things have gone south, but now here’s this guy.  This genuine guy by the way he talks, looks, and communicates.  He’s not your typical 2017 hook up that only communicates through snapchats or send nudes.  No.  He has an iPhone 4 and texts me when he has questions.  He calls me a woman and, oh yeah, he’s also four years older than me.

So what’s the problem you wonder, well um, yeah I just don’t know.  Boys are still boys. They want sex and that’s about it.  Feelings are overrated and turn most people off.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to tell him I like him and be able to just be open about it, but I seriously don’t want to ruin what is so good.  But having sex every other day and trying new things every single time we get together, it gets hard for a human being, also a girl, to not catch feelings for someone so stellar.

So what do I do?  Do I tell him?  Do I ignore it or push through?  I just don’t know… I wonder if I’m even the only girl he’s hooking up with because, like I said, boys are still boys.  And I’m just another girl.  The sex might be great and he might be all about it, but BOYS ARE STILL BOYS.  They love to tell a girl what they want to hear.  And obviously you can tell I have serious trust issues, or else I would just trust that everything is going to be okay and that he likes me.  But nothing ever works out for me.  So I’m starting this blog, to write it out and figure it out as I go.  I’ll just sip some coffee and live on.